Chosen Grace

Hi everyone! I know that I have been missing for a hot minute, but I am back. Please enjoy this post 🙂

Earlier in January of this year, I met up with a friend. We had just returned from Winter break and classes were starting the next day. Because we hadn’t seen one another in a while, we decided to go to our campus garden.

As this friend and I are both graduate students, we began discussing life: thesis work, plans after our graduate program ends, God’s love for our lives, etc.

As we continued walking, we came to a creek. The water was not flowing and it was not a pretty sight to see. The water was brown and full of debris. To be completely real with you- it was disgusting.

Quickly moving from that space, we came to another part of the garden where a creek was flowing beautifully. The sound it made was like something out of a movie. The flow of the water was calming and serene. The water? Clear as if you were looking through polished glass.

I turned to my friend and said these words, “Do you see what happens when the water is not flowing? Everything gets backed up and dirty. But when the water flows, it is clearer and has a purpose.”

We continued walking and said our goodbyes. Classes began- I had new set of theories to work with as well as new students to educate and learn their names. I was busy.

I did not think of the two bodies of water I had seen until a month later. Early in February, a very good friend of mine passed away. Now, my friend was an elderly woman- she had 95 years under her belt! But, she was my buddy. She was my second grandmother. And when she passed away, it cut me way deeper than I could have ever imagined.

As I reconciled with the news of her passing, The Lord allowed me to remember my conversation with my friend as we walked through our campus garden. As I was praying to God, He began to minister these words to me:

“Unclear water is water that has been blocked. As water is supposed to flow- this stillness that you see is unnatural. Remove the clutter and it will flow again.”

As I pondered what God had just told me, I thought back to another time when my father had passed. God began to reveal to me that when that happened- I blocked a lot of my emotions. Like- hardcore blocked! From the time my father passed to months later, I had stuffed away my grief and it had rooted itself into my heart in a very terrible way. I had become bitter and mean to people who did not have a clue as to what emotions I was battling inside.

By God’s grace, I was able to work through my emotions and reconcile with those I had hurt, but I still remember vividly how deeply rooted my grief had become.

After reflecting on that period of my life, I knew that I could not bury my feelings this time. And God confirmed this by calling me to trust Him:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him,  and he will make your paths straight”

Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV

What Solomon wrote in the verse above over 2,000 years ago describes exactly what God had called me to do in this season of grief. God was asking me to trust Him- even though I did not exactly know how. He was asking me to fully depend on Him as I endured the loss of my good friend.

If I’m being completely honest with you guys- this “trusting God” thing, was hard for me. Usually, I am the person who is helping others get through things. But, not this time. This time- it was I who needed to be uplifted.

So, I humbled myself before God and allowed my grief to flow. I lamented like they did in Biblical days. I cried. I paused. I reflected. I praised and worshipped God.

God was so good to me, that He allowed my family and close friends to comfort me. He even allowed me to stand strong while I was teaching my students only days after I had gotten the sad news.

And with each passing day, God began to strengthen me. His strength truly became perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8). To this day- I honor God because I know for a fact- I could not have gotten through that without Him.

I am sharing this with you all, readers, because I want to encourage you all to let it flow. Whatever it is- let God work in and through that thing.

For you, it could be grief. But it could be your loneliness, it could be your unhappiness with your job, or it could be family issues. Whatever it is- take it to God. Let. It. Flow. Allow God into that space.

I did. And because I did- I am able to write this very transparent post with you all.

Allowing things to flow in God’s hands is truly the best place that you can go. So I want to encourage you all to do that. Give it to God. Let. It. Flow.

As I close this post, I must say this: I am still grieving. Yes, I don’t cry like I used to, but I miss my girl every single day. I know that this grieving process will take time- and I trust God for it every single day.

And because of that, I know that everything is gonna be just fine 🙂

With love,

Malaysia 🙂

Dedicated to Miss Minnie- my second grandma and my Sunday buddy ❤